On the "Regularness" of Life
The Third Pillar
When I come across a piece of art that captivates me, rarely is it because of its complexity. What enthralls me the most about such pieces of art are their ability to capture bits and pieces of the human condition in an honest, riveting way. They don’t have to be audacious, garish productions, for a spectacle is not necessarily true to life. Some of what I consider to be the very best pieces of art are deceptively simple in their execution, yet they manage to distil the very essence of life’s moments with the utmost sincerity. And make no mistake, the medium is the message. A piece of art that fulfills these subjective criteria like very few can is The Sopranos1. The premise is simple: a New Jersey mob boss, Tony Soprano, seeks professional psychiatric counseling (a cardinal sin within the mafia) after a spate of personal and professional woes causes him to have panic attacks. In its six-season run, the show offers some of the most candid depictions of early 21st century American society, masculinity, while also offering a fascinating examination of various mental illnesses and plights, such as depression and anxiety. After binge watching the entire series within a week some 5 years ago, The Sopranos quickly became a constant in my life and a staple in my household. I still get giddy when deciding to rewatch the entire show for the umpteenth time, and each time I do I manage to discover some astonishing detail I cannot believe I had failed to notice earlier. The understated beauty of the Sopranos is that it ages with its viewers; the simple human truths encapsulated in the show are perpetually relatable to us as we go through our own trials and tribulations.
A few years ago, during a particularly dreary period of my life, I happened to be rewatching the first season of The Sopranos, when I came across a rather interesting scene. In it, the titular character of the show, Tony Soprano, is reprimanding his nephew, Christopher, for shooting a civilian in the foot while in line for buns at the bakery. Despite the casual intro to the scene, the conversation quickly shifts to Christopher’s mental anguish. In a moment of uncharacteristic candor, seemingly born out of desperation, Christopher pitifully admits “I don’t know, Tony. It’s, like, just the fucking regularness of life is too fucking hard for me or something.” Needless to say, one need not participate in organized crime to be able to relate to that sentiment. In my moment of quiet desperation, that quote rocked me to my core and forced me to examine what on earth was truly wrong with me. After embarking on my quest to answer this debilitating question, I came to realize that I am not alone in that feeling; even with a clear vision for the future or a crystalized personal statement, our lives can, at times, still feel unfulfilling, or too slow, or plain regular. This “Regularness of life” isn’t necessarily a reference to life’s pacing. It is a more visceral feeling akin to being stuck in quicksand or staring listlessly at your watch’s second hand ticking away. Each new day feels exactly like the one that just preceded it (and the one before that), and the colors of the world around us seem more muted than usual. It’s an alienating emotion, but one that can be resolved.
Natural Born Thrill-Seekers & The Pursuit of Happiness
Whether we are aware of it or not, each of us is born a thrill-seeker. To chase after a thrilling experience does not always involve taking risks. Thrill-seeking is a highly subjective activity, defined by and tailored to one’s preferences and tolerances. It’s easy to imagine and identify its more ostentatious or extravagant manifestations—the accumulation of obscene amounts of money, the pursuit of status, or climbing of Mt. Kilimanjaro. However, thrill-seeking can assume quieter, gentler forms—the hunt for a rare book, brewing that first cup of coffee in the morning, or making the perfect snow angel on a cold winter’s night. Thrill-seeking, in other words, is the pursuit of subjective novelties. The prospect of obtaining said novelties is enough to create a mighty twinge in our hearts and fill our bellies with butterflies. And when we have finally obtained the fruit of our labor, we deem ourselves happy. Yet, anybody who has ever experienced happiness knows that this state is temporary. Our happiness is followed by “regularness,” a return to our baseline. Don Draper, the main character in the series Mad Men2 captured it perfectly:
“Even though success is a reality, its effects are temporary: you get hungry even though you’ve just eaten. […] And what is happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness.”
This fundamental truth about the fleeting nature of happiness can be incapacitating, making the pursuit of happiness seem like a futile endeavor altogether. This is no way a profound idea, by the way. Entire works of art and schools of thought have been dedicated to addressing this fundamental conflict of life. The Bhagavad Gita forewarns us that “[We] have a right to perform [our] prescribed duties, but [we] are not entitled to the fruits of [our] actions.” The Stoic Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, reminded himself that, “To live happily is an inward power of the soul,” thereby deeming happiness a purely internal affair. And while these words—and the texts whence they are sourced—carry in them a sense of wisdom that is bound to resonate with almost any reader, their sentiment tends to get lost on us. Which, then, begs the question whether we are to blame for it. Are we so starved and desperate for every ounce of thrill and happiness we can get, and the world is just not enough for it? Or is something else clouding our judgment? My take: it’s both.
The Lone Bowler: Loneliness in the 21st Century
In this digital age, our interconnectedness seems paradoxical. With the touch of a button, we can broadcast our lives to the world, yet the fabric of genuine human connection appears to be unraveling. The challenges of living in today’s world are stark, and loneliness stands out as a poignant specter that haunts the corridors of our hyper-connected existence. This epidemic of desolation is robbing our lives of the meaning that can be derived from one another’s companionship. Anecdotally, this is a phenomenon that I notice quite distinctly all over the Western world, and specifically within the United States.
Robert Putnam’s seminal work, Bowling Alone, paints a heartbreaking picture of a society fraying at the seams. The decline of social capital, the weakening of community bonds, and the erosion of shared spaces where people once congregated symbolize a shift towards an atomized experience. No longer do we find solace in the communal act of bowling together; instead, we bowl alone, metaphorically, and literally3.
Numerous studies echo the disquieting trend of increasing isolation4. As our virtual networks expand exponentially, our real, tangible connections diminish. Americans, in particular, find themselves ensnared in a web of loneliness that tightens with each passing year5. And in this landscape of loneliness, the pursuit of happiness becomes a formidable challenge. The “regularness” of life, instead of being a source of comfort, morphs into a canvas of solitude. It’s in this milieu that we grapple with the illusion of invisibility—the perception that everyone else is leading a more exciting and fulfilling life, while we are left to navigate the desolation of our own existence.
Digital Peacocking & the Montagification of Mundanity
The advent and broad adoption of social media has changed our lives in ways we may not even realize. Now, more than ever before in human history, we can be exposed to one another’s most intimate of moments if we so choose. The architects of these platforms assured us that their creators would usher a new era of understanding and collaboration in the world, where users would be connected to one another in previously unfathomable ways. Instead, what we got are carefully curated highlight reels of others’ lives—a potpourri of who we all wish we were, not who we truly are. In this age of digital peacocking, where everyone is striving to showcase what makes them unique and their lives meaningful, it’s easy to fall prey to inadequacy, feeling that our own existence is trivial. Suddenly, the “regularness” of life becomes a stark contract to the seemingly extraordinary lives others present online. To make matters worse is the phenomenon of what I wryly term the “Montagification of Mundanity,” a reference to Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.
In the book’s dystopian world, mundane aspects of life are overshadowed by a constant desire for excitement and stimulation. In the real world, we have managed to take this a step further: we now use flashing lights, upbeat music, and fast-paced video edits to turn the most mundane of tasks into an exhilaratingly delicious nugget of dopamine. It can be as simple as cleaning one’s kitchen, or tidying up one’s bedroom—people transform the most menial tasks into dazzling productions. Don’t get me wrong, I am very much in favor of people infusing a sense of childlike wonder in their humdrum daily routines. The spectators of these montages, however, are faced with the adverse effects of this practice: their chores are still sources of tedium. There is no soundtrack accompanying them, no cheers, no validation, and the very nature of our chores commands their repetition ad nauseum. The constant exposure to others’ thrilling moments can cast our own regular lives in a dim light. However, the antidote to this, and the other malaises mentioned previously, isn’t escaping the “regularness” of our lives but embracing it.
The Beauty in the Regular: Trustin the Process, Not the Premise.
Despite what contemporary entertainment would have us believe, life isn’t a series of grand events but an accumulation of seemingly mundane moments, each, however, holding its own intrinsic beauty. The initial sip of morning coffee, the quiet satisfaction of finishing a good book, the warmth of a loved one’s embrace on that first truly cold night of the year—these are the subtle joys that weave the tapestry of our lives. It may sound far too poetic or aspirational to be taken seriously, but I consider it a fundamental truth that by fully immersing ourselves into the quotidian and unpretentious we are able to transform the ostensibly unremarkable aspects of our existence into pleasurable moments of solace. To cultivate that sort of mindset can be a struggle, especially when the provincial “game” of life is rigged against us. But the change is possible, as it is not about forsaking our thill-seeking behaviors but striking a brilliant balance that allows appreciation for both the extraordinary and the ordinary alike.
Revisiting the Sopranos and looking at Christopher’s character arc more closely, one can see why he was overwhelmed with the “regularness” of life. Being Tony Soprano’s nephew and the son of a deceased yet legendary mafioso, Christopher was on the fast track for becoming a so-called “made man.” The promise he showed, combined with the vigor of his youth, created a sense of entitlement in him that made him rather impatient with the rules and timelines underlying the world of organized crime. To some extent, we all can relate to that sentiment. When we place more emphasis on the destination rather than the journey it would take to get there, we become naturally more impatient. All of a sudden, the quieter moments along our journey become deafening, stifling. We are fixated on a predetermined script, and life’s unpredictable narrative becomes a threat to our ambitions. To fight against these asphyxiating emotions, we must actively embrace life’s twists as the very building blocks of who we are. We must learn to trust the process we follow to realize our ambitions, not the premise of those ambitions.
Consider the Tarzan Method6—an analogy that invites us to swing through the jungle of everyday life not by obsessing about a distant destination but by relishing each swing, for each moment suspended in mid-air is a thrilling adventure that gets us closer to where we want to be. Tarzan doesn't leap from vine to vine with a singular focus on the end of the jungle; instead, he finds joy in the journey, the wind on his face, the fleeting touch of each vine. His travels through the thickly vegetated landscape may not be as straightforward or linear as he would want them to be, but as he zigzags from one vine to the next, he knows he is drawing nearer and nearer to his destination.
Intentional Exposure to Struggle
Finally, it is important to highlight that there is no shame in struggle. If anything, to live and to aspire is to struggle. As our world glamorizes success while sidelining the accompanying struggles, deliberately facing challenges becomes a gateway to personal evolution. The “regularness” of life is not a hindrance but an opportunity to confront adversity head-on, fostering resilience.
Whether undertaking a new project, mastering a challenging skill, or navigating intricate relationships, struggles imbue depth to our experiences. They provide the contrast that renders moments of joy and accomplishment truly profound. Embrace the struggles, for they are the threads weaving the intricate tapestry of a life well-lived.
The Third Pillar: Balance
Life, like art, is a masterpiece crafted from the seemingly mundane strokes of daily existence. It's not about the grand spectacle, but the honest capture of quotidian moments. When faced with instances of quiet desperation, our lament about the "regularness" of life resonates universally. It's not the pace but the visceral feeling of stagnation, the monotony that challenges our sense of purpose. Yet, this alienation isn't insurmountable; it's a call to rediscover the subtle beauty woven into life's fabric.
In this symphony of “regularness” and thrill-seeking, the key is not to forsake one for the other but to strike a brilliant balance. Life's magic lies in appreciating both the extraordinary and the ordinary, finding joy in the subtle moments that weave the narrative of our existence. As we dance through the regular rhythm of life, we must embrace the beauty in its simplicity, trusting the process and relishing each swing, for therein lies the essence of a fulfilling and meaningful life.